please go

I’ve been meaning to write here since the new year began.  Truth be told, I’ve avoided it because by writing what I am about to express, I’ll be making it real (at least to myself and the internet), and that can be a slippery thing.  This winter I’ve been cocooning pretty deeply, and have finally realized the magical and precious wonder that is time alone.  I have wanted to be by myself and it took a few relationships to come to this conclusion.

After 3 years of circling a romantic relationship with a man who is deeply creative and deeply sad, I finally had the epiphany that the only reason he was back in my life was so that I could be the one to end it and have closure. (Read: he wasn’t back to sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset…) I still loved this man, but I couldn’t carry the both of us.  Prior, he’d been in and out of my life on his own whims, and this time, for lack of more elegant words- I got him.

It was my turn to say “This is over. I love you, but I can’t do it.”  It was sad, and powerful and I’m still processing what that means.  What I imagine, is that you can have a deep karmic tie with someone in a romantic way, but that does not mean they are meant to be your partner.  These are complex feelings to navigate, especially when history is involved.  Once I let go, and consciously cut the cord, this poem poured out.

In the shower
I washed off
days of fingerprints
and I washed out
that song you sang
in my kitchen
about shadows &
ether
and I even washed
away
a vision
of a house in the woods
with a green cellar door
where we might have lived

but I’m clean now
and you can go
I love you
please go

A Visualization for Cord Cutting:

Imagine standing in front of the person you’d like to release and see a white cord between your heart and theirs.  Picture them in the most compassionate light as the cord glows between you.  Look them in the eye and say “I love you, Thank you for the lesson. You can go now.”  Next to you a small table sits with a pair of golden shears.  Pick them up.  Feel their weight and let that empower you. Continue to look at this person, and as you cut the cord between you with the shears say, “I love you. Thank you. Please go.”  Watch the person walk away of their own volition in deep peace. Repeat this daily until you find that the person is released from your energetic realm.

Sometimes a letting go of this nature requires us to cut the cord over and over.  I still do this practice daily.  I do this practice even when the person on the other end of the cord has hurt me.  I do this practice when the person on the other end of the cord has never said goodbye.  I do this practice when the person on the other end of the cord desperately doesn’t want me to pick up those golden shears.  I do it anyway because I love myself and mine is the only life I can save.

I am also in the throes of navigating another release.  This time, I learned that I am not willing to compromise my time, unless I have a full body yes.  More on that concept later.  In the meantime here is one more, that resonates right now and a in a way that makes me love myself and this broken world (as Mary Oliver would say) very much.

I made of my heart
a well so deep
you cannot hear the coin
when it lands in the water

when I pull
the bucket back up
the water is
gold & rose

now I drink to myself
and rest
for the journey
yet to come

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I drink to you and your heart too- I wish you rest and release on your journey. xo

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This morning I sat in my breakfast nook, eating toast and eggs and reading Mary Oliver.  Every poem seems more profound than the last.  I sip my tea and am reminded of how lucky and privileged I am to be able to do this on a Wednesday morning.  In one poem she gives some of my favorite advice:

“Instructions for living a life. 
Pay attention. 
Be astonished. 
Tell about it.”

Oh- is that all?

Recently, I’ve been trying this new thing where I don’t look at my phone seven thousand times an hour.  Real talk: my phone lets me know at the end of every week how much screen time I’ve used.  I’ve averaged something like 5 hours a day. 5 HOURS A DAY.  That is SO EMBARRASSING.  I’m sharing it here to make it real.  I use a lot of Instagram and Spotify and Facebook, and Kayak and Gmail and WHATEVER IT DOESN’T MATTER.  I’m thinking I need those 5 hours back.

I spend time on social media because I am taught to believe that to be a successful yoga teacher, I need to continuously post about my offerings, tell people what I’m doing all the time, document my cats when they’re sleeping, take a selfie when my hair looks cute or let everyone know when something ironic happens to me…or just when anything happens to me.  Why do I do this?  Why do I like it?  Confession: I love watching my friends on social media.  I love it.  I love seeing their little faces in 10 second clips.  I love watching their pets and their yoga practice and their activism and ALL OF IT.  My heart lights up when I see a notification from a loved one.  It’s true. I admit it. You caught me.  Sometimes I go overboard and spiral out into realms that are not remotely related to what I was originally looking at (hello silly putty ASMR videos, what?!)

So here is my experiment in gratitude and and listening and attentiveness.  I am going to start paying attention to things that are not in my phone.  I am going to be astonished by the world around me and the IN-PERSON experiences I’m going to have.  I am going to tell about it here on this site every so often and try to calm my anxiety around not keeping up with everyone else in the social media realm.  Will students still come to class?  I hope so.  Will my events continue to sell out?  I don’t know.  What I do know, is that I’m ready to get a little bit more free in my ability to do WHATEVER I WANT (I know, I know, within reason- rolling around in glitter on the floor with my cats is not a choice…) because life is short and I’m pretty sure I know what I’m here to do.  I can’t wait to show you.

Danielle_10
me, happy, in the flesh, with friends at The Rooted Collective