Whitman, in his poem Song of Myself, writes:

“I am large, I contain multitudes.”

and believe me, I do. We all do.  My multitudes contain within them some big shifts that I can finally share.

On August 2nd, 2018, I walked into Breakwater School and kindly told my supervisors that I would not be returning to teach Preschool this coming autumn.  “We thought you might tell us that, if you found a position somewhere else.  We had the job posting ready to go,” said my academic director kindly.  The real surprise isn’t that I’m leaving the beautiful community at Breakwater- the real surprise is that I’m leaving education (remember when I started this blog for that reason?!) and I’ll tell you why.

For 8 years I have struggled to find my place as an educator.  I love working with children.  I love helping them discover themselves, and nature and each other.  I love educators and educational philosophy and school.  I LOVE school and have always loved school.  September 2018 will mark the first year of my life that I will not return to school in some capacity.  Every year I have either gone back as a student or a teacher, and now?  Neither will suit me anymore.  I was struggling for so long because I’m not meant to do it.

I have taught in various settings with diverse populations of children and families.  I have worked in schools where children have every luxury, and I have worked in schools where I’ve conducted home visits in run-down barns with no heat and children asking me if I’ve brought them any food.  I’ve taught in settings where children are so precocious, I can’t believe I’m talking to a 4 year old and settings where I’ve had to restrain children with severe emotional disturbances.  The middle ground was often hard to find.  When I taught in private settings, I was seen as a glorified babysitter (and when I was younger I did have to babysit on the side because preschool teachers have the lowest pay of all teachers) and when I taught in public settings I was so emotionally drained and physically hurt (re: two bloody noses and countless other injuries) that I was sick, depressed and anxious more often than not.

Before you tell me that it is a great loss to education because I am leaving the profession, think about this:  What good am I to children if I am unwell?  What good am I to children if my whole heart isn’t in it? What good am I to my colleagues if I am consumed with doubt about my dedication to the profession? I have seen the work of teachers whose hearts are in the purest place when it comes to education, and they are remarkable.  For me, I’m in a place where I can’t “do it for the children” anymore.  In my experience (because I can only speak about my own, and this is not meant to generalize to all teachers) there is this underlying narrative in teaching that told me that in order to be the best teacher I could, I had to put my job before my own care.

I felt guilty about every sick day I took.  I felt guilty about not answering an email from a parent within 2 hours.  I felt guilty when my room didn’t have every perfect finishing touch I saw other teachers place for hours after school each day.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard teachers and administrators alike say “Well, we’re not in it for the money.”  And you know what? They’re not wrong.  Most of us didn’t get into teaching for the money.  We got into it because we had a teacher we loved and we love teaching!  But I’ll tell you what- I didn’t go into it to go broke and and be stressed all the time either.

For a long time, I thought I had no other skills.  I thought I could only teach and I was terrified to try anything else.  I was also terrified to lose the esteem that comes with the title of being a teacher.  When I told people I was broke and a teacher, they were sympathetic usually.  Like- “Oh, that’s so sweet You’re a teacher! We so appreciate what you do!”  And we all know that if I told them I was broke and worked at a fast food joint (no disrespect, a job is job and we need to stop judging those who do!! My job was a privilege.) I probably wouldn’t have gotten the same response. When people asked me what I did and I told them I taught preschool one of two things usually happened.

Scenario A: 

Me: “I teach Early Childhood Education.”

Standard American: “What’s that?”

Me: “Preschool- 3, 4 and 5 year olds.”

SA: “Oh, so like daycare? You just play all the time?”

Me: “Well actually, I am preparing children with compassionate social skills so that they can be kind members of society.  Pre-literacy, math and science skills are taught through play, and I observe the children closely so that I know their interests, that way I can incorporate them into curriculum planning.  I doubled majored in Psychology and Early Childhood Education, so I can also help parents understand developmentally appropriate practices that they can follow with their children.  My masters focused on Literacy, so I am always consulting with other teachers about phonological awareness and how children are using language and communication in relation to their pre-reading skills.”

SA: “Do you have to change diapers?”

Me: :::slowly implodes:::

Now repeat this conversation ad infinitum for 8 years of my career.

Scenario B is more hopeful.

Me: “I teach Early Childhood Education.”

Woke American: “Oh cool, like little kids? I could never do that. It sounds so hard! We need more people like you!

Me: “It’s definitely challenging at times, but often really rewarding and keeps me young! 

WA: “Do you have to change diapers?”

Me: ….

This is funny right?  Did you laugh?  I did!  Most people have NO IDEA what teachers do on a daily basis, especially ones in my position.  Teaching young children requires you to be on, solving problems all day long, with a smile on your face, ready to wipe tears, snot and other things away compassionately, and with respect for the child.  It’s worthy work, but it is hard.  And here I am writing about it at length, because I still need to defend this profession.  I still need to tell people that it is worthy work.  This is why I did it for so long.

Over the years many people have looked at me, genuinely shocked that I have a master’s degree AND that I am a preschool teacher.  This should not be shocking.  Teaching preschool is not babysitting and you should be educated to do it well.  There is deep pedagogy that goes with the philosophies under which I taught, and it should be respected and upheld, like any other profession that requires higher schooling.

So again, my choice to leave education is actually a good one, but I’m the only who needs to believe that. Maybe it will be a wake-up call for some who thought I was just sprinkling glitter and blowing bubbles (which I was, but there was SCIENCE involved!). I have a great respect for those who continue to teach because we need their heart, their expertise and their intelligence, and I will continue to advocate for better pay, more respect, and more visibility when it comes to the incredibly complicated and heartfelt work that they do.  Okay, exhale.

Recap– I’m no longer a teacher of children in a school setting, and I am proud and excited about this decision.

But Danielle! you exclaim, what will you do now?!

It’s finally happening. I’m going yoga instruction, thai yoga massage practicing and other magical offerings- full time!

But what about security and health insurance and benefits and retirement?!

Well, my darling reader, I do think about those things (hi Virgo rising and Virgo moon), and I have plans for all of that.  But honestly, what is the point of all of the above if you are not well and generally unhappy doing the job that gives you said security?  And please don’t misunderstand me, there is so much I love about teaching and so much of it that is so bittersweet for me to leave.

As soon as I gave my notice, I kid you not- so many offers came in requesting my teaching expertise that I almost didn’t believe it was actually happening. As if the universe was saying “Hey girl, I saw you bust ass for 8 years- here’s your payoff, Enjoy your life now please.”  People crawled right out of the woodwork to ask for my specific help.  I had affirmation after affirmation that I was making the right decision.  Not to mention for the whole month of July I had been teaching a ton of yoga, with brilliant, kind and heart-melting feedback.  My dear friend and colleague Kristin Niebuhr asked me to take a bigger role at her barre and yoga studio (The Rooted Collective).  I started working behind the desk at a magical shop downtown (Arcana) where I get to talk to people about healing work (someone actually tipped me for helping them choose a stone for help with shift and transition! what?!) and I’ll be practicing Thai Yoga Massage there as well.

I’ll now have time to help facilitate more training with my mentor and colleague Jennifer Yarro of Frog Lotus Yoga and The Triple Gem School of Thai Massage (Frog Lotus Yoga).  My Wild Woman Project Circles (The WILD Woman Project) are in full swing and WILD Woman Fest (WILD Woman Fest) happens in less than two weeks, where I facilitate and do event production and merchandise!  I’ll have regular classes around the corner from my house at the beautiful and lovely Honor Movement and classes for children coming up in September at The Portland Yoga Project.

And if I feel like it, I’ll substitute in the schools a little, maybe some online tutoring- but you know what?  This is my life now.  For a long time, I didn’t think the world needed another woman to quit her job and teach yoga in the wellness realm full time, and in playing small in that way, I negated all of my inner wisdom.  It has taken me many years to be able to say that I am a gifted yoga teacher, and that I am a capable and gifted Thai Massage Practitioner and that I possess a great many other gifts that I offer in different ways.

Students and clients have always told me that I am good at what I do, but I never internalized it.  I was too scared to step into that knowing because what if I went for it, and I failed?  What if people wrote me off because I didn’t have a respectable mainstream job?  What if they were just being nice? Could I really make a living in this way? I recently had a massage client look at me honestly and say, “That was an incredible massage. Danielle, how does one become you?”  I was dumbfounded.  I was just there in service to the client because they have trusted me with their healing.  To receive this feedback was soul-shaking to me.  I just want to be of service, and in this genuine offering I am watching so much abundance roll in.  It really does work this way, when you ask for nothing in return and you believe that no one owes you anything.

What I mean to express in this ridiculously long post is how grateful I am.

I am so so so grateful that I have cried every day since making this decision, thinking “how lucky I am that I get to be alive now! how lucky I am to know myself and do this work and help others and add to the beauty of this world.”  This may seem like airy-fairy woo-woo shit to some people, and that’s fine.  Do your thang, I support you too.  But to me, the connections I’ve made and the knowledge and wisdom coming through the vessel of my body is something I can no longer ignore.  I will always be a teacher at heart, but what I teach and how I teach it will be the ever long and honest and soul-fortifying journey.  Know that I love you, dear reader, that I am deeply happy, and that my hand reaches out to yours in hopes of connecting and serving.  Take it if you wish.

xo.

These words poured into a notebook in a stream of consciousness right before I fell asleep last week.

being alone is consciously sleeping in the middle of the bed.

it’s a king, and you’re in between two pillows now

taking up space on purpose

where it used to be occupied

by someone else who held your heart

until you called it back

took it out of selfish hands

and slid it back 

deep behind your breastbone

now it is only for you

keep it and live into your new life

take up so much space

he must be worthy enough to have a corner of it

and if he’s worth more

make sure the bed is yours

I do sleep this way now.  For months I slept on my same side of this ocean of a bed.  I can only imagine it was habit (and the fact I sleep like 27 rocks).  But it’s gotten me to thinking about solitude.  I have confessions to make.  Prepare yourself.

Being alone is hard for me.  I don’t like it, which is why I’ve had THE PARADE OF DUDES (with special guests: WOMEN) for the duration of my twenties. As I’ve been reflecting the last month, I realize that I have systematically inserted a partner into my life every time I make a decision to let one go.  There is always someone on the back burner.  For a long time, this was exhilarating and ego-boosting.  Now, it’s shown me that if I really want to invite a partner into my life that can level up to me, I have to create space first.  My old practices of choosing partners went something like this:

“Jump in with two feet!  When you jump in with two feet and keep your heart completely open, you’ll know if this is right for you, even if you get hurt in the process.  It’s okay if there are red flags because- POTENTIAL! I can fix this.  I am special and magical enough to fix this wounded baby bird.”

But here’s what I’ve learned in ways that involved emotional abuse, misguided intentions and just plain fuckery: Potential does not a healthy relationship make.

I have challenged myself to get uncomfortable.  Writing this post is in honor of that challenge.  From the outside, I like to imagine that I present as having my shit together, but the truth is- I’m terrified of looking like I have no idea what I’m doing (not just in relationships, but in all aspects of my life).  I’m scared of failing in all the ways a human can fail.  I’m literally doing the best I can in hopes that living through it will illuminate the path I walk down.

So now, I make decisions that are hard for me.  I say no more than I say yes.  I spend nights in my house drinking a glass of wine in the bath tub instead of going out on dates to distract me from my temporary loneliness.  There are good books on my night stand and there are long conversations with strong women who are helping me live into my healthy choices.  There are tears that well up from a place I forgot I had, mourning the loss of the life that depended so much on what others thought about me. It used to be safe there, thinking that I pleased everyone.  I’m learning to know myself in this new place and like it.

“Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination…” -Mary Oliver

I wonder what it will be like to know myself in solitude.  I’ll just have to let the magic work on me instead of working it on everyone else.  xo

Now, I approach the age of 30.  For some people, a breakup at this juncture is debilitating.  Luckily for me, this is the most myself I’ve ever felt.  It is the most embodied, the most sexy, the most mastered, the most everything (Of course, there are hard insecure days, but I solo dance party the sh*t out of those and I generally feel better).  It all just feels so big and so good- even the parts where I feel like caterpillar soup inside my cocoon.  I am reveling in my ability to stay my own course, to have true aim, and to soften my edges and find strength in that.  The awareness I have at this point for the space I require and the partnership I desire is at an all time high.  My body feels amazing and my heart is tender but hopeful.  My clarity tells me that my inner life just leveled up.   Question:  Do you ever see the sun rise and your heart could just burst because you love your life and you’re so grateful and you just know that there is something really good coming your way?  I thought so. Me too.

xo.

Did you know that when you just shut up and begin, magical things happen to you?  Part of my reasoning behind this idea, is that I have spent so much time NOT beginning anything, to the point of anxious exhaustion.  Beginning means that I have to acknowledge that maybe something has to change or :::gasp::: I have to take responsibility for something.  But when I just begin, even in a small way, I remember my divinity, even while cleaning the litter box.

When I entered January, I already knew I’d be leaving my current home.  I didn’t know that I had to be an active part of that beginning, that process of rolling slowly away from the place you’ve molded to fit yourself for the last 10 years.  In my last 5 or so months here, I have began (and completed) many challenges in my life.  The difference is that normally I’d make a big fuss about said beginnings and talk all about it, and congratulate myself.  This time, I did it quietly.  And maybe, now that I am expressing these, dare I say it, accomplishments, it may look like I’m being loud (and you’re the reader so you can make whatever judgments you please), but I believe that giving each of these pieces of my life credit will actually make be better at beginning.

In January, I quietly accepted a position teaching a college level course a week before it began and completely made up the whole thing as I went.  My superiors trusted my skills and experience in the field of Early Childhood Education, to tell me “You’ll be great. We trust you.”  So I began.  I liked it, although it was time consuming and stressful, and I never got used to “Professor Gismondi.”  My seven years in the field earned me an opportunity to share about what I’ve learned in that time, trusting that my experience could actually shape future educators.  Amazing.

I quietly accepted helping to facilitate my favorite festival of the year WILD WOMAN FEST, as a Love Crew member.  Basically, I’m getting paid to be on top of a quartz mountain on the full moon with 100 perfect women for a week doing ritual, taking yoga classes, eating chocolate and having moon circles. No big deal. (just kidding, BIG DEAL.) This is an event I used to save up for, and use a payment plan to attend.  Now I am being fed and housed because my skills are of use to this community.  This is a gift that I cannot express how I grateful I am to receive.

I quietly accepted an invitation to teach at MAYFest in Cold Spring, NY.  This is a yoga festival where I am considered an “artist” and am sharing a bill with Elena Brower, Nadie Sardini, Rusted Root and Ozomatli.  What? Me? Again, this is a paid gig and the bonus is that my dearest lady love is the production manager.  This is a relationship that I cherish, and I had no idea that by nourishing it, I would be gifted with such an amazing opportunity.  Her kindness and love, knows no bounds.

Perhaps the biggest deal to me is the most recent offer I have accepted.  Beginning at the end of August, I will be teaching at Breakwater, an independent day school in Portland, 3 minutes from my new apartment.  They took such care in hiring me, and I am so impressed by their staff and their very welcoming nature.  I’ve never heard my potential employers tell me over and over how thrilled they are to have me.  This is a community that values its teachers, and I’ve never quite gotten that vibe before.

Listing these things here, makes them real for me and allows me to let gratitude flow through me.  I’ve had my head down trying to complete the most difficult year teaching I’ve ever had and I haven’t taken time to honor these blessings.  This job is more difficult than being punched in the face twice last year.  That’s not a joke.  I’ve been quiet about this too.  It has also come to my attention that this job has made my physical health deteriorate in a way I’ve never experienced.

TMI forthcoming: Recurrent yeast infections, low libido, a panic attack and poor eating habits have been the majority of my year.  I was unable to admit that I was not okay, that I was upset with feeling no pleasure in my body, and feeling like something was wrong with me.  I did not want to begin because that meant, again- something was wrong.  I was wrong and bad and not worthy of anything.

Flash forward to this month.  After doing a womb cleanse with Sohkna Heathrye Mabin of MamaSutra Loving Arts and Anita Teresa of Embodied Leadership I realized that my work directly affects my ability to take care of my body, specifically my womb.  I highly suggest their work if you’re encountering challenges such as those I’ve described above. (Womb steaming is real, I just paused in the middle of writing this to do mine, and GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME OH MY!! What an experience. My partner just said “That smells GREAT!  If I had a vagina I would totally do that!”) Although I knew this last year, I know it now in a quieter way which, bizarrely, has been more powerful.  The ailments that I sustained were neither painful, nor loud.  Instead, they were a pulse in my body, a nudge over and over again…”Hello dear, please take care of me. I’m not angry, just needing love and support.”  The process of healing these wounds is not quick or easy, but it is deeply humbling and moreover essential to my life and work.  As a note: this month after taking great care of my mental, emotional and physical health, I have not experienced any of the above ailments.  Interesting, no?

Where does this leave me?  Astounded. Incredulous. Grateful. Humbled. The list goes on.  Consider contemplating what you do, in a quiet way.  What is the benefit of keeping your contemplation and secrets to yourself, until you’re ready to share?  What happens in that seeding time, where we allow our work to work within us?  What happens when we shut up and just begin?  I’m pretty sure it’s magic.

Student mind, student mind, student mind, I am silently chanting to myself.  I am in an all levels, vinyasa flow yoga class, in Denver, Colorado.

(Look! Denver! Continental divide!  It snowed for the entire time I was there. Womp womp.)

Brushing off my dear friend’s warning about Denver yogis being “athletic” and “competitive,” I rolled out a borrowed yoga mat, and got ready to be the student, instead of the teacher.  Why am I chanting this little ditty to myself?  Because as a teacher, it can be so difficult to let go and just be the student.

The class is decent.  As a teacher who is obsessively passionate about safe anatomy and alignment, there were some hiccups (transitioning from Warrior I to Warrior II. Owwies in your hip!! Frog Lotus Yogis, you know what I mean.), but all in all, I enjoyed it.  I let my body flow, and as I tuned into the energy in the room, I noticed something that doesn’t happen in the classes that I normally teach and take back home.

Effort. Efforting. I’m using that made-up word right now.  Efforting.  Because no one in that room was in a state of ease.  Surrounded by pushing, and huffing and “Work your core for bikini season, ladies!” I realized that was what seriously lacking here, was a sense of ease; ease to balance out all of the effort.

Now, while this is happening I’m thinking “Should I approach this teacher after class and give her notes?  As a teacher I love getting notes from other teachers.  Is that rude? Look at this student.  I could totally help her alignment!!” and so on and so forth.  I was mentally meddling with this class and these students!  I was in teacher judgement mode.  I WAS being rude, if only inside my head, but still. Spiritual yogi party foul, for sure.  I silently apologized, and found deep gratitude for this teacher, because she was teaching me something else very important.  Long story short, I finished the class, thanked the teacher and left, slightly embarrassed by the acrobatics of my inner mind.

What I am reflecting on now is this:

Effort must be balanced by ease.

This relates directly to my teaching journey.  I have spent the last 6 years efforting.  There has been little ease.  Few times, have I actually felt like I was using my true gifts and abilities.  When I told my teaching mentor that I was planning to leave, she looked at me wisely and said, “I understand.  You’ve had a rough go, and you need some wins.”  I believe she meant: You need some time to feel good at what you’re doing, to be in a state of flow, in a state of ease.  Not that it’s meant to be easy, but that there must be a balance, and that it’s not just effort for effort’s sake.  There is a time for that, but not every day in a teaching job.  Teaching is thankless, without a doubt, but being in despair all of the time, negates the effort.

Since I resigned, I’ve had countless offers pouring in, for all kinds of jobs and projects I never imagined.  It’s still scary, I still feel strange trying to explain to people why I have chosen this path.  But every day, I feel more ease, it becomes more easeful (another made-up word. you’re welcome.) and I am continually grateful, surprised and in a state of wonderment.  Thank you Denver yogis.  I bow in gratitude to your wisdom and your effort.  It is profound.  May you find ease, and killer bikini bodies.

Obnoxious sunshiney optimist that I am, I forgot about this part.  Now that I’m telling people that, yes, I am voluntarily leaving my profession for an indeterminate amount of time, they want to know what I’m going to do.  They look much like children, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, as if I’m telling them the Easter Bunny isn’t real.  They don’t ask why I’m leaving, only what will happen next.

Perhaps this is because I have been the village preschool teacher for the last 6 years of my life.  By “village” I mean that I have taught in 4 different programs, all within a half hour of each other.  I know everyone’s kids, and I can barely walk down the street without a child running up behind me to give me a hug.  I’m many parents’ first experience with a teacher and putting a child in school, and they remember that.  So, I’ve tried on a lot of different settings. But not trying them on in any lackadaisical way.  Really trying them on.  Throwing myself in headfirst.  When they didn’t work, I left gracefully, but learned what I would and would not stand for.  (That deserves its own post, note to self.)

This is how my community knows me and it must make them a little nervous that this seemingly, steady stable woman, looks like she’s taking a deep dive into unknown waters, maybe with sharks. Ah! Sharks!  In college, people called me “the yoga girl” because I was the one teaching yoga and talking about it all. the. time.  Now, I am a preschool teacher by day, yoga teacher by nights and weekends, multi-tasking queen of the universe! (Okay, I made that last part up, but come on!!  We all need a pick-me-up.)  But soon, I am to be neither of these things.  I imagine I will teach more yoga, but who knows what that looks like?

When I lead women’s circles I tell my participants to come as they are, to drop the veil and that being seen is not about what you do.  What you do does not directly inform who you are.  Let me say that again.

 What you do does not directly inform who you are.

You are not just a mess of skills and degrees and years of experience.  Be proud of those accomplishments.  I know I am.  But remember that they only make up a part of who you are.    You are multifaceted and you have a soul.  As a culture we need to remember this.

Sometimes I get caught up in the scary idea that my worth as a human being and member of my community is contingent upon what I do.   Am I only valuable when I have a socially acceptable 9-5 gig?  When I am an adult with a 401K and a salary?  When I am coming from my place of knowing, I know this is crap.   I know that I have a use and purpose that I am still uncovering, and that is terrifying and and exciting and then terrifying again.  This is okay.

Today, my dentist (and my eye doctor-whatever, I have a lot of appointments before my health insurance runs out!) asked me “What are you going to do now?”  He’s a nice guy.  His wife regularly attends my yoga classes.  He was genuinely wanting to know my plans.   So, how do you answer this question?

Here’s the best part: You answer it however you want, with honesty.  I used to try to rattle off a laundry list of THINGS, I’m not going to do that anymore. It takes courage to say “I’m not exactly sure, I have some other opportunities, but this is the best decision for me right now.”  And as if I had spoken an ancient incantation, or had hit the right password, he smiled, wished me well, and off I went.

xo